Happily ever after?

(A little piece I submitted for my Creative Writing module at Uni.)

Once upon a time in a land far, far away lived an assortment of famous fairytale characters each battling with a bout of almighty dilemmas. Fortunately help is at hand with the swish of her wand and some mighty sound advice from the one and only Fairy Godmother and her fairytale problem page.

Living in Patriarchal Hell

Fairy Godmother, please, do help if you will,

Seven men and myself in our house on the hill.

I work hard all day to make our home glitter,

But lack of assistance has turned me so bitter.

The misogynist nitwits, they never give thanks.

They never say “cheers” when I scrub clean their pants.

I trek down to Tesco and stock up on tissues

On behalf of the one who has sneezing issues.

I’m always exhausted and feeling so rough,

How can I tell them I’ve had quite enough?

Snow White

For goodness sake, girl, you need to be stronger,

This homemaker’s hell can go on for no longer.

I’d get yourself out if they can’t lift a finger,

The plates won’t stay clean and the dust will then linger.

These men will soon realise how much they did slack,

And pleading and begging they’ll want you straight back.

Down in the Mouth

Help Fairy Godmother, I feel so distressed,

My ugly appearance just leaves me depressed.

I must be adopted, my brothers they tease,

They mock me and tell me I must be diseased.

Their feathers so golden, their bodies much smaller,

Adorned in dark grey, I’m an inch or so taller.

I yearn for self-worth but without friends to care,

I remain so despondent, knee deep in despair.

‘The inside counts more than the out’, people say,

But how can I stop myself feeling this way?

The Ugly Duckling

Those brothers of yours seem unwise and vindictive,

And duck ‘nip and tuck’ I am told is restrictive.

You’re right when you say that the inside’s worth more,

So hold your head high like a swan, I implore.

Don’t duck that head down with such low self-esteem

For your future is bright if you follow upstream.

Breathing’s a bother

Fairy Godmother, please do ease my health fears,

I have been a chain smoker for about thirty years.

My coughing just worsens, I can’t catch my breath.

My lungs, they are throbbing and I’m feeling like death.

I huff and I puff and while gasping and wheezing,

My pains never show any instance of easing.

Perhaps it is cancer, perhaps I will die

Regardless I fear that my chances aren’t high

How can I keep myself feeling alive?

And what must I do to ensure I survive?

The Big Bad Wolf

It sounds as though asthma is causing your pain,

Though thirty years smoking is no doubt to blame.

Nicotine patches will aid you in quitting,

The use of inhalers will keep you committing.

Make an appointment to visit the nurse,

Before it’s too late and your symptoms get worse.

Happy International Women's Day

Today is International Women's Day - a day to celebrate and embrace femininity, acknowledge our greatest female role models from the past to the present day, and recognise the challenges and tribulations women have faced throughout history and are still facing in the 21st century.

International Women's Day goes as far back as the early 1900s, before women could vote, legally terminate pregnancy and possessed rights to their own financial income. In the UK, women had only just earned the right to their own property and Marie Curie was yet to become the first female Nobel Prize winner. Today, International Women's Day is recognised all over the world and pays tribute to the vast developments put into place to promote feminism, gender equality and women's rights across the globe.

I for one am not ashamed to admit I am proud to be a woman, and I am not ashamed to admit I am a feminist.

"A feminist?!" you cry in horror. The kind of madwoman who, while swirling a burning bra through the air, protests against misogyny from the rooftops with a photograph of Andrea Dworkin adorned proudly on the over-sized dress she patched together that morning. Indeed, the prospect of it is appealing, but underwear nowadays is too expensive to sacrifice for these particular circumstances.

In reality, "feminism is simply being equal to men", says Caitlin Moran, author of best-seller How To Be a Woman. "I was astonished that the word "feminist" and "feminism" had become unused or even a bad word. If you ask most women if they're feminist, they would say, 'no'. So, you don't want to vote? And you don't want to be able to own property? And you don't want to be in charge of your life? And you don't want to be in control of your sexuality and your reproductive rights? They say, 'yes, of course'. Well that's feminism, it doesn't mean anything other than that."

On the contrary, Lily Allen's comments on disbanding of feminism as an ideology caused something of a ruckus this week. Speaking in her role as guest editor of Shortlist, she said "it shouldn't still be a thing", protesting that "everyone is equal in the modern world" and that women "are their own worst enemy".

She justified her opinion with personal experience, arguing that "I know that when I'm sitting in a restaurant and a really beautiful woman walks in, who's skinny, I instinctively think, 'Oh she's really skinny and beautiful and I'm really fat and ugly.'"

I agree in that women are instinctively competitive with one another, but aren't men exactly the same? Isn't competitiveness simply a part of human nature? Isn't feminism more than just female appearance, female interaction and female mentality?

It is without question that the life of the average woman has improved since the first International Women's Day way back when. However, the fact it is still being recognised and celebrated in 2014 demonstrates that everything is certainly not, as Lily Allen puts it, "equal in the modern world".

Globally, women are still facing the challenge of oppression in all walks of life, and the following statistics underline a few of the many core problems women are dealing with today.

• 1 in 3 women will be beaten or raped during their lifetime.

• 44% of all UK women have experienced either physical or sexual violence since they were 15, and the UK ranks among the worst countries in Europe in relation to violent abuse.

• 99.3% of women and girls in Egypt had been subjected to sexual harassment.

• Over 130 million women living in the world today have undergone female genital mutilation - in one Birmingham hospital as many as 40 to 50 women every month are treated after having undergone this awful procedure.

• Around 14 million girls, some as young as 8 years old, will be married in 2014.

• An estimated 1.2 million children are trafficked into slavery each year, and 80% of these are girls.

• 1% of the titled land in the world is owned by women.

• 21% of the world's managers are female.

• 67% of all illiterate adults are women.

• The gender pay gap stands at 15% in the UK, with women on average earning £5,000 less a year than their male colleagues, increasing to 35% with part time jobs. 

International Women's Day is still important, and feminism is still "a thing". Our gender is enormous part of who we are as human beings and we should embrace our femininity and be proud of what women have achieved on our behalf throughout history.

Be proud to be a feminist, and be proud to be a woman!

The BRIT Awards 2014

Tonight will see the 34th edition of the BRIT Awards held at the spectacular O2 Arena in London and hosted for the fifth and final time by James Corden. Sadly, this year I will not be watching - the boys are out of the house and my mother & I intend to sit in face masks indulging in tortellini and The Breakfast Club.

In spite of my animosity towards mainstream tosh and airy fairy bubblegum pop I've always been very fond of the BRIT Awards. They're fun; granted, live performances often mixed, winners occasionally outright absurd and to list the multiplicity of controversially chaotic dramas and scandals calculated since 1977 would have me here all afternoon.

It has further become awash with predictability and painfully corporate with the show's association with MasterCard virtually rammed down our throats at any given opportunity. Certain categories sit with a thin field of nominees, and one reference to Bieber and/or the 1D collective is enough to make you throw your dinner at the television.

Don't let that, however, put you off - there will be top performances from top performers like Arctic Monkeys and Bruno Mars (judge me all you want for the latter, you can't deny the man has moves), an appearance from Prince and a strong likelihood that David Bowie will win Best British Male, 30 years after winning the first time. The BRIT Awards 2014 is set to be a good show, and if it were not for my Breakfast-Club-watching, I would certainly be tuning in.

My BRITS predictions...

See here for the full list of nominees

1. Best British Breakthrough Act - Tom Odell, though Bastille are also a worryingly probable winner.

2. British Video - Naughty Boy (the only other one I've seen in this category is John Newman's in which two people are hit by a lorry).

3. British Female Solo Artist - A very poor list of nominees and I imagine Ellie Goulding will take it.

4. International Female Solo Artist - Lorde.

5. British Group - An infuriating category which defines "band" and "group" as the same thing. Arctic Monkeys are not a group (neither are Bastille), but I think and hope they will win.

6. International Group - Same thing applies. My vote goes to Arcade Fire, a band. (Just saying).

7. British Male Solo Artist - Bowie, I hope.

8. International Male Solo Artist - Justin Timberlake. (I will be equally happy if Bruno wins).

9. British Single - Rudimental or Passenger are deserving winners but I will not be surprised if One Direction scoop it up.

10. MasterCard British Album of the Year - AM, Arctic Monkeys, without question.

Is the UK Top 40 still relevant?

A self-proclaimed Caitlin Moran enthusiast, I am therefore almost obligated to admire her husband, 'Time Lord of Pop' Pete Paphides who regularly graces my ears with his presence on The Guardian's Music Weekly podcast. Very rarely do I find myself disagreeing with the views and opinions of my favourite power couple, but on Boxing Day last year I admit I was shamefully forced into doing so.

Mr Paphides wrote a piece in December 2013 which questioned the demise of Top of the Pops and championed the notion that it return to our screens. The music chart show has made annual appearances on Christmas and New Years Day respectively, but was axed from its weekly slot in July 2006 as a result of plummeting viewing figures, an axe undoubtedly executed with a heavy heart by the BBC.

I am not a Top of the Pops hater, by any means - watching it on a Friday evening with my Dad would quite easily be the highlight of my week. Viewing figures aside, Paphides had me questioning what was stopping the programme from making a comeback - why shouldn't the BBC revive TOTP?

Yet from the perspective of the public, the current relevancy of the Official UK Top 40 in the British music industry is unknown to me. What hit the top spot this week? No idea. The week before? Even less of a clue, and in all honesty, I didn't actually care.

With an increase in illegal downloading, it also seems what the general public is listening to isn't being accurately represented. The inclusion of Youtube hits might perhaps be a more effective way of measuring mass popularity, and yet we still could not trust the statistics entirely - the rickrolling of Rick Astley's 'Never Gonna Give You Up' in May 2007 as an example of what could potentially happen, the video now having had a staggering 73 million views.

Former Radio 1 disc jockey Bruno Brookes argues that the Official Chart shouldn't "just be about buying records", suggesting "a bold and interactive joining of media - a simulcast between Radio 1 and a Top of the Pops-style television show, complete with some kind of voting element," but there again lies the problem of inaccuracy. Surely not every person in the country can be bothered to pick up the phone to vote which song they hated the least that week?

Nonetheless, the Official Chart on Radio 1 still has over a million listeners tuning in every Sunday, not to mention the thousands who watch the countdown across other music channels and radio stations alike. Reggie Yates, presenter of the UK Top 40 from 2007 to 2012, commented that "people still got really emotional about who was going to be No. 1. We'd get thousands of text messages and emails about it every week. It's a real big deal to some people." Let us of course not forget the 2009 Facebook campaign which rocketed Rage Against The Machine's "Killing In The Name" to the top spot in a battle against X Factor winner Joe McElderry.

Telegraph journalist Michael Deacon further conveys that in an age where "we're engulfed by lists...the Official Top 40 has one thing that keeps it unique in that field: it's based on fact (sales) rather than blustering opinion. That's reason enough to let it keep its place - even if that place isn't at No. 1 in the listening figures."

Granted, my own preferred genre is a fair mile away from that of my demographic. My lack of interest might exist as a consequence of individual music taste, you may argue. Perhaps this is an argument weighed down by opinion, and I'm just being a grouch.

Let The Official Chart stay. Just don't count on me to listen to it.

Just in case

This is a little poem I have written for my Creative Writing module at Uni.
Happy January all :) x

-

Just in case,

Keep it in a case,

You might need it again, someday.

Instructions for toys

You no longer own,

Batteries and keys

And mysterious leads,

And where does this lead lead?

And where does this key fit?

And Nan’s old sewing kit,

Which you have to admit

You never really wanted in the first place.

A Maths exercise book

With scribbles aplenty,

And 5 out of twenty,

And for every test

You tried your best,

Your eyes on the clock

For most of the mock,

A pass was pure shock.

A collection of cards,

On top sits 21,

And wishes of fun,

But you can’t seem to throw

Those sitting below,

17, 18, 19, 20,

So they sit in their dust

As mother’s disgust

Grows and she throws

Them in the bin when you are at school.

A Tinkerbell hairpin

A half empty deodorant can

You’re not a Nivea fan

Anymore.

A pen that doesn’t write

But it doesn’t seem right

To chuck it away

It might work again

Someday.

Just in case

Keep them in a case

You might need it again, someday.

The Night before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas and down the rain poured,

Black cloud coated skies as the icy wind roared,

But in slippers and snow-patterned socks sitting cosy

Were a family of five with their cheeks red and rosy.

Mum and Dad on one sofa, wearing festive red hats,

On the other with antlers, sat Jack, Luke and Nats.

Warm jumpers with reindeer and snowmen aplenty,

Adorned by each member and cost just over twenty.

Frank Capra’s big hit is our festive selection,

A film so fantastic it’s close to perfection.

‘It’s A Wonderful Life!’ George Bailey maintains,

“I’m off to the pub!” my brother exclaims.

A large glass of Baileys for the girls if you please,

Whilst holding off thoughts of the January squeeze.

Christmas songs blaring, Cliff, Wizzard and Slade,

The Pogues, The Pretenders, Bing Crosby, Band Aid.       

“I was friends with George Michael before the Wham! days,”

Dad waffles on proudly as 'Last Christmas' plays.

Stockings hung high and the presents wrapped neatly,

Laying soft in our beds all dreaming so sweetly

Of bright festive cheer on a grand Christmas morning.

Dawn not yet broken, tired eyes droop and yawning,

Reluctantly tearing away from warm covers,

First down the stairs is the younger of brothers.

And what should he find but a marvellous sight,

His face fills with joy and true festive delight,

As his eyes meet upon treats piled up so tall,

Stacks upon stacks of both gifts big and small.

Embellished with glitter and tied up in a bow,

With scarlet red ribbons and sparkle for show.

An empty plate left where a mince pie has been

For grand old Saint Nick who had licked the plate clean.

An empty glass drained of a Winter night's fuel,

Delivering gifts in the season of Yule.

The bells sounding softly with reindeer in flight,

Attached to the sleigh on a cold frosty night.

Church bells a-ringing as Christmas morn breaks,

With each child, ecstatic, in bed quickly wakes.

Playing with toys so impressive and new,

Not one of them naughty with no coal in view.

Thrilled and contented, each wears a large grin,

Dad making the coffee, Mum starting on gin.

Our spirits not dampened by wet windy weather,

That festive cheer oozing all snuggled together,

While watching those classics, a mince pie in hand,

Sing carols much louder than vocals can stand.

“Christmas is here!” we proclaim with such glee.

The best Christmas yet it is sure set to be.

Top ten tracks for a top twelve months.

December is a list-writing month. We read lists and we write lists all month long. List after list after list. Christmas lists, shopping lists, to-do lists and still-left-to-do lists and Oh-My-God-I-have-too-much-to-do lists. It's a wonder we ever get anything done at Christmas in our refusal to be parted with our precious collection of post-it notes.

This week, NME followed suit and wrote a list of their own - a list of 50 Best Albums of 2013, beginning on a high with James Blake's Mercury Prize winning masterpiece Overgrown and awarding the spectacular Arctic Monkeys album AM the number one spot.

The great thing about a list like this is that it can highlight the songs and albums which have formed the soundtrack to your year, neatly categorising from top to bottom, from worst to best. It allows us to fondly recall what was going on in our lives when that record came out, where we were and how we were feeling when we heard that song for the first time. It works as a sort musical epitome of the past twelve months, counting down from 50 to 1.

The even better thing about a list like this is that it is subjective. Particular tracks mean particular things to particular people; music has the power to trigger memories, old and new, individual or collective. By all means, it's advocated that we acknowledge what music critics have to say; they claim to be experts, after all. But their opinions should never categorically define what is good and what is not - it's crucial that you are able to develop and form your own perspective without letting others do the work on your behalf.

Read the NME list, but I encourage you to consider what would be in your own. A bit like I have.

* * *

These are my own choices, not in chronological order...

1. Daft Punk - 'Get Lucky'. I'm admittedly still not tired of this song. April 2013 saw the long-awaited return of the famous French house music duo Daft Punk, and they did not disappoint by any means. This track works a fantastic reminder of a long car journey I had with my best friend in July - we had this song on repeat and we both felt pretty cool singing along as we drove down the M2. Probably didn't look it though.

2. Foals - Holy Fire. I have always been a huge fan of Foals and this is without a doubt their greatest work yet, 'My Number' being the best song on this album and my favourite song of this year. In March I found myself under a great deal of stress with assignments piling up high around me, but this was the album that kept me sane. Pure gold.

3. Arctic Monkeys - AM. Unquestionably the best album of the year. Every single track is outstanding and kept me entertained as I walked back and forth from work over the summer. My walk to work is approximately seven minutes long, so starting with 'Do I Wanna Know?' at 7:45am on a Monday I'd finish off beautifully with 'I Wanna Be Yours' by 4:10pm on a Wednesday afternoon, then begin the cycle again till the end of the week. (My summer was manifestly more thrilling than most, try not to be too impressed).

4. Arcade Fire - Reflektor. Released at the end of October, this double album is truly fantastic and has been played repeatedly on my iPod for the past few weeks. Get it in your life, but bear in mind it's massive. If you want to hear it in one sitting, which I would personally suggest, it's a good one to save for long car/train journeys, or a standard "I'm doing absolutely nothing today" Sunday.

5. Kings of Leon - 'Supersoaker'. This is the lead single from the band's sixth studio album Mechanical Bull, released in July and I adore it. XFM's Jon Holmes went through a phase of playing this track nearly every morning which made me very very happy. They also sounded fantastic on Later with Jools Holland a few months ago.

6. Tom Odell - 'Can't Pretend'. The first single of the singer-songwriter which I have been banging on about since the start of the year.  His album 'Long Way Down' was released during a 4 week period in which I was at home over the summer and will always remind me of being there with my brothers soaking in the sunshine in our back garden.

Tom has had an interesting twelve months with mixed reviews - he began on a high, winning the BRIT's Critics Choice Award in February, but found himself subject to heavy criticism in June after receiving an unbelievable 0/10 rating for his debut album from NME journalist Mark Beaumont. He quickly turned things around, however, scoring the number 1 spot on the Official UK Album Chart in July. He's even been on a date with Taylor Swift, although that hardly makes him one of a kind.

7. Vampire Weekend - 'Diane Young'. I listened to this song again and again and again during my four day trip to Rome in June. Quirky, fun and simply brilliant, as is the rest of the album Modern Vampires of the City. Highly recommended.

8. The Vaccines - 'Bad Mood'. An ideal song to stomp around the house to if your current temperament matches that of the song title. This track came out in March earlier this year and, much like Holy Fire, kept me going during those horrible few weeks of assignment writing. My friend Daisy and I also saw The Vaccines live in May and they were outstanding. And I can confirm Freddie Cowan is even more beautiful in person.

9. The 1975 - 'Chocolate'. Released at the start of 2013, this song was also the soundtrack to assignment writing/stressing and wanting to quit. Admittedly I was a little disappointed with their album, but this track and 'Sex', the band's third single, are very very good.

10. Swiss Lips - 'U Got The Power'. Something a bit different - this band were tipped in March by BBC Introducing, following a week of daily airplay on Radio 1 after being chosen as Scott Mills' Record of the Week. The video is amazing and the track itself is even better. Big things expected.

11. Robin Thicke - 'Blurred Lines'.

Only joking.